Well…well…well, it seems my brain has decided to sync up with national awareness weeks now. What do I mean? Well, the the past 24 hours have been exhausting for me and brain, and with this being my internet home, why wouldn’t I talk about the shitty aspects of my life too? I’m human.
So yesterday I went to a social media lesson/seminar/thingy (for lack of a better word), and I was fine. Everything was fine. Learned a lot and had a lot of fun. But despite this, by the time it ended, I was having a full blown anxiety attack. Over nothing. I was red, patchy, my temperature has risen and I was suddenly terrified to be in a place that had many of friends in it. What gives, Brain? Why do you do this to me?
It carried on throughout the night, causing me to not sleep well. Super fun stuff, really. But then all day today was just the worst. A never ending sense of dread, thinking I haven’t accomplished enough both at work and in ThatGeekOnline, and fearing the worst in every situation. I ended up leaving work 20 minutes early because I felt like I was just going to burst into tears over nothing.
Why am I telling you this? It’s not something I do easily, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable on the internet for judgement and opinions. But ANXIETY IS OKAY! It’s nothing to be ashamed of, as is any other mental illness. It’s an uncontrollable thing and we have to allow ourselves to go “THIS ISN’T ME!”. You are fine. You are accomplishing enough. You are where you need to be. Your brains inability to see this right now is not your fault.
I’ll be fine. It’s all temporary and come tomorrow, or the next day, or even the day after that, I will be back to normal. Because that’s what anxiety is for me. It lays dormant behind the curtains for me, giving me irrational fears and the feeling that everyone I meet hates me. But every once and a while, it pops up and for lack of a better term….just fucks me right up.
I hope my rant-y blog post made some of you feel a bit better. Or maybe it just made you feel like you know me a bit better now. Who knows? I just felt like typing and connecting with you all, even if only one of you reads this.